• Huh?

    What is this place?

    I think it’s important that we all review our fandom rules now because, honestly, from where I’m sitting, a lot of you seem to be making it up as you go. Therefore, I'm going to do us all a big favor, and list off the rules, one per day, until we're all back to where we need to be. kthnxbai

    		•
    0
    The "Big Blogs" Owe You
    ...and you should tell them that.  They've been talking all about everyone else, sending people right past your fic to read someone else's.  They wouldn't even exist if not for you!  I bet if you stopped following them, they'd be gone in a day.  So bust out that email and remind them that the site they built should be all about what YOU want.  They owe you for making them great.
    0
    Copyrighting
    When you write something, you hold the copyright.  See there?  I copyrighted copyrighting.  Now you can't use it in your "Don't steal my fic" notes.  Sorry fandom, but that's my word.  You've gotta come up with something else to use now.
    0
    Run Away!
    When the fandom laughs at you, you should just delete everything and run. While you're at it, tell them that health, real life, or very small horses got in the way, and that's why you're doing it. With an excuse like that, everyone will believe you. They'll never think you're just pouting in a corner somewhere...which you totally are.
    0
    Rants
    Rants are always a good idea. They show the world how right you are and how much you really don't give a fuck. They never make you look unknowledgeable, overly sensitive, or just plain psychotic. In fact, you should rant more, just so that everyone truly understands how much it doesn't bother you. Do it. Do it now.
    0
    BNAs
    BNAs are horrible, evil people who exist solely to make you feel bad about your writing.  They alone are to blame for both world hunger and the fact that your fic doesn’t have 67,992 reviews yet.  If they weren't forcing 99% of the fandom to read and review their fics, everyone would realize that your fic is soooooooo much better.  
    0
    Batshit Crazy
    This term is your friend.  Apply liberally to everyone who disagrees with you, unfollows you, or whose Twitter avatar is clearly giving you the stink-eye.  This is most important, or everyone will think that person's calm, non-confrontational tweets to you are somehow reasonable and not at all the violent battle cry you know them to be.
    2
    Peen
    Don't forget! Edward's peen is so fucking massive that even John Holmes is intimidated.  And his ginormous size must be mentioned at least a dozen times during each lemon for your less intelligent readers to comprehend.  But don't worry about Bella.  Her pussy has magical elasticity, and it will always return to the size of coin slot despite his shoving a telephone pole up in there.

    p.s. thank you, stella luna sky!
    0
    Don't Read This
    See?  It worked didn't it?  You're not even reading this.  And we all know that teenagers always do what they're told.  So make sure you put "Don't read this unless you're old enough to vote" on all your XXX-rated fanfics.  They will totally obey.  Why am I even typing this?  It's not like you're actually reading...



    0
    Opinions
    Everyone agrees with your opinion.  Those six people that tweeted you about it are representative of the entire fandom, and now that you have an army behind you, things will actually change.  Take a moment to sit back and bask in the feeling of power.  It really is all about you.
    0
    Tweet = Truth
    If it is tweeted, it must be true.  Don’t bother checking your facts first.  Gang up on the site or person who has committed the heinous crime named in the tweet.  Hurry! You’re wasting precious time!
    0
    Whining
    Whining does not sound whiny.  At all.  If someone upsets you, make sure you whine in author's notes, on Twitter, and on your blog.  If you can afford one of those planes that will write it in the sky, do that, too.  Whining impresses people, makes them see your side of things, and never annoys them.  Ever.
    0
    Free Speech
    The First Amendment applies to everything. Sure, the constitution says the government can’t make laws infringing on the freedom of speech, but what it means is that privately owned websites are required to let you post anything you want.  You should sue those sites.  
    1
    Reviewers
    Your fic is amazing because your reviewers say it is. They are NOT fourteen year olds who have stayed up past their bedtimes. They are professional book critics, and they have discovered your genius.
    0
    "Proper" Writing
    Grammar and syntax are not important to the story.  If someone points out an error or suggests you get a new beta, they are clearly sent by the devil.  The only way to send them back to hell is by ranting about them to others.
    0
    Mean Girls
    The “popular girls” are out to get you. They are not popular because people like them, but because people fear them. They even have secret meetings where they laugh at your attempts to bring them down. I know. I snuck into one.
    0
    Tanya
    Tanya is a nasty, stupid skank. If you write her character any other way, you are not only breaking fandom law, but also breaking the hearts of clumsy, doe-eyed, brown-haired girls everywhere. Yes, you are a big, fat meanie.
    0
    Warnings
    "Rated M for a reason” is all the warning your readers need. They understand your secret code and will immediately know what that reason is. Do not waste your words on anything except writing the story content that will send them back to therapy.
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